I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Thomas Sowell
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
Steven Wright
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Thomas Sowell
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck